I dreamed of a journey through the darkness. Of arriving in a place with ornate buildings and elegant sculptures, at one point scrambling through an alleyway of multi-colored stones scattered around lizards that sparkled under streetlights.
I reached a circus and gasped at the force of the sound and light, masses of people gawking at the performers as they did dangerous tricks with fire and sharp objects against a backdrop of gargoyles standing guard upon various structures.
I didn't belong there so I withdrew, rushing through the alleys and streets with stumbling steps as I tried to retrace my steps. Confused in the darkness and wincing from the noise, I turned in various directions, trying to read signs and remember directions that eluded me. There were shops at some intersections and they were all closing, pulling down those walls of metal and chains or locking their glass doors to block my path. I apologized as I hurried through, desperate to make my way before it was officially too late, feeling it more difficult to breathe as panic set in.
I stopped when I saw him emerge from an alley I'd not noticed and blinked when he approached me. I don't remember speaking, though I wanted him to know I was lost, confused and afraid. He reached for me and pulled me to him and I rested my head on his shoulder, clinging to him as tightly as I could. I eventually loosened my grip but remained in his embrace, feeling my mind quiet as I realized I was comfortable and happy and safe.
The memory of him dissipated as I woke and climbed out of bed and I struggled to bring him back into focus while brushing my teeth. He was wearing a t-shirt and jeans, I recalled as I walked Chienne, and he understood what I needed and offered it without question. I smiled wistfully before heading toward home and getting ready for work.
The job distracts me and I consider it a blessing. I work and worry, argue and annoy, and it takes precious time and energy. I laugh with people I sincerely enjoy and think about topics I find both fascinating and relevant.
And I forget, during the day, that I am - on a personal level - lost and confused and afraid in this stunning world in which we live. I do have this lingering fear that time is limited - that if I don't find my way soon, it won't be found. And though I know it sounds terribly melodramatic, I'll forgive myself since my brain only focuses on that part while I sleep. And it finds - somehow - a way to find some sense of peace before I wake.