Wednesday, August 18, 2010


The weather has shifted, storming from miserably hot and humid to a more moderate, breezy state in the past couple of days. I have taken to walking outside, forsaking the tunnels that connect the campus, and have found it's much easier to smile at those who pass by.

I returned home from another day at the office - this week has been a bit of a grind, truth be told - and wrinkled my nose over the heat of my house. It was a reasonable 76 degrees on the thermostat, but I missed my normal 72. I decided to watch television in the basement before coming upstairs to bed and, upon climbing the stairs, turned on the air conditioning unit my parents brought me this weekend.

They announced their plans to visit as they left their house, leaving me pleasantly surprised that I'd have house guests last weekend. Their primary mission was to deliver said cooling device - they'd kept it when Brother had no more use for it and claimed it was perfect to keep my bedroom at my favored Arctic temperatures without having to spend a fortune cooling the remainder of the house. Away it blows in my corner, venting neatly out the window through a system Dad designed.

I also have neatly trimmed bushes along my front walk and sparkling clean bathrooms. We talked and ate and watched DVDs of The Big Bang Theory and laughed. It was simple and lovely.

The work week has been riddled with arguments, leaving me tired and shaky during some moments, but I'm blessed with colleagues who are quick to agree when I suggest going out for a meal or drink so I can decompress. So far this week, I've whined over cheesecake with Sibling, ate guacamole with Sibling while looking out over a lake and joined my entire team for happy hour when we finished a visit early.

I'm struggling with guilt over something for which I should be ashamed. I'm thinking through a plan that's as odd as it is forbidden. I find myself hesitant to write about either, and realize I've come to think of this as a moderately unfriendly space. The knowledge that some readers actively dislike and disapprove of me is fine on some level. Yet I'm unwilling to be as open as I once was in the face of what could be harsh judgment. Which irritates and saddens me before I remember I have other facets of my life that leave me feeling very lucky overall.

So I've watched people write final posts with the thought that I should probably go next. I've considered other blog names and rejected the idea of starting over. There's a certain continuity that appeals to me and this space - these words - do - for better or worse - represent who I am and what I've done in some sense. Password-protecting doesn't appeal to me, nor does publishing abbreviated feeds (though both are obviously wise). I am, quite simply, unhappy with the situation but unwilling to change it, which neatly removes any real ability to whine about it.

So I'm likely to remain mostly boring - redacting anything interesting or revealing but incapable of giving it up completely as I remember days where I couldn't sleep unless I'd posted something on my blog. These days, I rely more on the air conditioner next to my bed and being exhausted from work, but I'm resting pretty well.


JaneB said...

Sorry to hear that others opinions are making you feel inhibited here. If you ever want to chat by email with someone totally ignorant of your subject area but highly receptive to whinging, you know where I am...

Estrella said...

I've always enjoyed your writing, and I'd be sad to see you go. I hear you though ... I've neglected my blog for months now and while I'd love to keep writing because I do enjoy it and do love looking back at it after time has passed, I seem to have lost the motivation to do so. Maybe once my routine becomes more established again I'll do better ... I hope. I hope for your sake (and the sake of your readers!) that you continue if it's what you desire.

Anonymous said...

Oh, don't go! I'd miss you and your thoughts a lot! And, regarding your "plan": I highly doubt that it's anywhere near as bad as you think it is. A lot of us have thoughts that could be judged rather harshly.


Brigindo said...

How awful that you feel your own blog is an unfriendly space. I haven't been reading comments much lately, so this has caught me completely unaware. I hope you aren't the next to go. I would miss you greatly.

The bean-mom said...

I, too, have watched other people sign off on their blogs and toyed with the idea of following in their footsteps... The motivations for my blog and, I think, the subject matter are both changing... but like you, I think it's something that I can't quite let go =)

And I'm glad that you're not letting go. Sorry that I haven't been around much here--I haven't been out much in the blogosphere as a whole, of late. And I'm so sorry that you've come to think of this as a somewhat unfriendly space. If people dislike a blog, why the hell don't they just stop reading it and leave the blogger alone? Whatever you do decide to do, Katie, know that there are plenty of friendly people here,too, who have come to regard you as a friend.

post-doc said...

Thank you.

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