Thursday, February 19, 2009

Recovery, Failed

Last night, I took a bath. Settling gently in the hot water and sending bits of flower petals swirling around me from the lightly scented fizzie, I winced at the ache in my head and tried to find a comfortable position.

I will take better care of myself, I decided. I will eat more vegetables, though the thought of eating at all make me shudder with revulsion. I'll read books instead of working constantly. I'll make time to see friends. I won't take disappointment so hard. I will, I reminded myself sleepily, muscles starting to relax and pain medication beginning to work, take better care of myself.

At 9AM, I sat on my loveseat, head woozy and held my home phone to one ear, muted the conference call and answered my cell phone.

"I'm better. Not well, but better." I listened for a moment before nodding, wincing momentarily at the pain. "Of course I can be there. And I already sent the presentation and answered those emails."

I depressed buttons to unmute the group on my other line after flipping my cell closed and wrapped up with them before throwing on clothes and enough make-up to make me appear not-so-near-death. Then I went to work.

"I have to go," I finally said four hours after I arrived. My head throbbed angrily, furious at being deprived of medication for longer than necessary. I stood carefully, hand on a table to keep my balance and picked up my bag while my colleagues watched carefully. I don't think I replied to an offer of help, moving toward my car through sheer force of will and mental promises of Tylenol upon my arrival at home.

Huddled into a ball of misery after tugging off sweater and pants, I pulled the covers closer and focused on breathing while giving the pills a chance to work.

I will take better care of myself, I decided firmly. So I'm sipping mint tea and have coaxed myself to have some soup. And tomorrow, I will work from home.



Amanda@Lady Scientist said...

I hope that you're able to work from home today. It's difficult to do, though, especially if you feel like you're letting people down (which is what it sounds like you feel you'd be doing). You wouldn't be, though. If you aren't feeling well, then you're not going to be able to be at your best. I hope you're feeling better today!

Psych Post Doc said...

((Katie)) I hope you're feeling better now.

Seeking Solace said...

Take it easy. The harder you push, the longer it takes to recover.

Anonymous said...

Flower petals?

post-doc said...

I did work from home and was feeling a bit better until people started irritating me via email. Now my head hurts from all the scowling.

Aw...if I was non-germy, I would hug you back PPD.

Agreed, SS. I'm trying.

Anon: I thought I was delusional too at first! They were in the bath fizzie - little flecks of reds and yellows and blues. Very pretty once I got past my confusion over how they got in the tub with me.

Psycgirl said...

Aww, I'm so sorry you feel so sick Katie. I think you should try not to beat yourself up about it. And it's always good when you start thinking of taking better care of yourself!

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