But I love my blog, I've thought several times in recent weeks. I grow clingy and desperate to keep writing the words that appear here and comfort myself by refusing the very thought. I don't need to stop.
I've spent some time quietly thinking and praying in that vague way of drifting through thoughts, spending time in God's presence rather than going through lists of gratitude or requests. And the thought returns - focus, prioritize, think. And while some people do that beautifully in an online space, I feel my attention is splintered between offering glimpses of what I find important and lovely and being vastly annoyed with those who are ruining blogging.
I am, if we're to be honest, no longer useful to this community. I'm glad I did a post-doc - I learned a tremendous amount and adored writing this blog. But I decided to walk away from academic research. So of discussions of publication or tenure, committee meetings and mentoring issues? I have memories and ideas, but nothing of real value to add. Instead, my loyalties have aligned neatly with the company that pays me. I think we do good work - important projects and products come from my colleagues. Through some blessing or stroke of luck+preparation, I'm in management. When faced with such a ridiculous and amazing fact, I think I can do better. And while I already work too much, I think writing here isn't really helping what I do there.
I have friends I love. I've talked to exactly none of them in the past months. Carrie had a baby. Friend went home and is job hunting. Elle is in a band. M may be moving. I've meant to arrange a weekend with Brazen Hussy and Repressed Librarian for freaking months now. Little One enjoys phone calls and has reached a point where I can actually understand what she's saying. Cousin tried to call but my cell wasn't charged. There are people at work who are bright and interesting and wonderful and I rarely spare an evening to go out with them. That's shameful - that I know these fascinating individuals and spend no time keeping up with them. So instead of selecting synonyms and thinking of cute titles, I'm going to make phone calls and hope my basic dislike of telephone conversations eases with time. (Or I'll make it through my list of friends and think 'thank God that's over.' Either way.)
My gorgeous house is rarely clean, though that's unlikely to change. My space is much like my poor brain - cluttered with too many bits and pieces. But I'd like to keep organizing items and give away what I don't need. I'd like to look into volunteering somewhere. I want to spend time in prayer, figuring out and doing what I ought and what I want and see where I land.
So, while blinking back melodramatic tears and vacuuming my first floor, I decided to take a month away. I'll still read and comment, of course. But you'll miss what was sure to be a moving and depressing post about how I'm turning thirty and likely how it's very cold here and how work is hard but rewarding and blah, blah, etc. Feel free to miss me a tiny bit, but I'll be back in a few weeks. Hopefully I'll have learned something and can tell you about it then.