On the other hand...

I bugged Industry Giant again. And he replied that he was out of town on any days that would conveniently work on this trip, but how about the following week? And he asked me to fill out some formal forms that I took care of months ago.

I find myself - inexplicably and irritatingly - torn. First, I crossed this particular job off my list early last month. I decided I couldn't deal with pushing that hard to get a simple interview, and if they wanted someone that aggressive, they weren't looking for me anyway. But then I had the opportunity to nudge and I got impatient and pushed and now I'm unsure of how to react. I liked the idea of a casual meeting because I was in town. I find I'm weirded out by the idea of a formal interview with the inherent travel and stress and expectations of me being all prepared and professional. So I'm waiting to reply that I have done the formal stuff and, um, I don't know. Do I say yes for next week? Or do I back off and explain that I'm not really in a hurry? I just wanted to make this a single trip and if that won't work, he can take his time? But if I didn't want the freaking meeting, why did I push so hard to get it?!

I miss Little One. One of my biggest problems with living far away is that I miss so much of my nieces' lives. Smallest One has turned into this tiny person, moving out of babyhood and into focused attention and rolling over and smiles and blowing bubbles. We sat and stared at each other for a while while I marveled at how much she's grown since I saw her at Christmas. And Little One asks for my attention and says she loves me. We read books and watch movies and I can fetch her things and cuddle.

But all that reading and watching and fetching kind of wears me out.

"I'm so tired, Little One." I sighed as we put in another movie and added the finished Care Bears book to the pile that included the story of Frances and Thelma and the tea sets, Snow White, Pinnochio, Cinderella, several Berenstain Bears, a book of riddles and some others I can't remember but my throat is scratchy from reading. And I don't want to watch Cinderella III with the singing and dancing and magic wand so Anastasia is going to marry the prince instead of Cinderella. Plus, Little One decided she wanted Dora right in the middle so I'm not even sure if Disney made the story right or if the freaking wicked stepsister won out in the end. And, if so, what happens to Gus and Jack, the mice? And when did it become Jaq (as printed on the back of the Cinderella III DVD) and not Jack (as it was in the old book I read)? And why do I care about this stuff at all?

It was also decided that I couldn't share the beds in the back bedroom with her. Only Grandma would do. So now I am without a place to sleep and unsure of what to do with myself.

I had a professor in undergrad who said planning a trip was always more fun than taking it. In your imagination, the location looked exactly like the brochures. There were no lines at the best restaurants. It never rained when you planned outdoor adventures. You would never fall ill or injured. The anticipation was the best part and reality usually held some disappointment.

I don't want to be the one saying that an interview only seemed cool in theory. I don't want to like the idea of time with Little One more than actual time with her. I want my parents' trip to Door County in a few months to be as lovely and relaxing as they picture it as they read through the brochure welcoming them to dream of smooth pebbles by the shore and picturesque lighthouses and resorts next to the water and adorable places to shop and eat.

So. This trip - one I have cheerfully anticipated - will be a good one. I got headachey on the drive, but it was otherwise uneventful. That's good. I had a nice dinner with my parents - there was a salad bar and I got to put many peas on my salad. I like peas. So that's another good thing. I will sleep on the couch (even though I hate sleeping on couches) and hope for a quick nap tomorrow. I will cuddle and play and love the two children who currently sleep down the hall, even when I'm really quite tired and unused to the rigors of living with youngsters. And then, on Sunday, I'll be back in the car, on the way to meet friends and visit places.

I suppose I'll figure out the problems as I go along.