Monday, February 15, 2010


I joined them for breakfast after sleeping at home. We mostly avoided the water park - watching the splashing and crowds with wide, brown eyes and leaving after a fairly short time. Mom found the other pool instead and we settled there for hours - long enough for the smell of chlorine to soak into my skin where it lingered throughout the day.

I waved good-bye, giving hugs and kisses before leaving for my group meeting at work. And it hurt - the last toddling steps Smallest One took toward me before wrapping her arms around and clinging. The way Little One's long hair curled against her back as she tilted her head up to ask my mom when they could go swimming again. She's getting so big, eyes widening with delight when she realized she could touch the bottom of the adult-sized pool. And as exhausting as they were, I ached with the thought that it would be several weeks before tiny fingers wrapped around mine again. Before I snuggled blankets closer as they napped or sang songs to soothe.

Still, I found myself nearly lost in work several hours later, taking a moment to say a prayer of thanks.

"I needed this," I told Adam, turning before I left his office. He looked confused and I paused. "I needed a project - I have to feel like I'm valuable and that my effort matters. And when you reassign work - even with good motives - I start to feel worthless and stupid and miserable. So I withdraw more. I know delegating is hard for you - even more so when you're not sure how I'm doing mentally - and I appreciate your confidence in this case."

"Katie," he said, pausing and shaking his head. His phone rang and I nodded toward it before heading back to my desk.

I'm feeling more balanced, arguing without feeling attacked, working without the desperate desire to escape. But I have more traveling to do next week - the dreaded New York trip cannot be avoided, it seems. That's followed by a trip to the deep south. But at least there should be some interesting pictures.


Amanda@Lady Scientist said...

I'm so glad that things are going better for you. Concentrating on work and being able to enjoy your family are all wonderful signs. I hope that this continues over your travels next week!

(I'm selfishly looking forward to the pictures!)

Amelie said...

I'm glad to hear you're doing better.
It's great if your boss understands what you need to feel valued or useful.

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