I'm sad. It aches.
The feeling, for if depression is like a thick, suffocating cloud, my current state is more of a gentle mist, is somehow made worse by the fact that I'm quite happy. I often look around and smile because I like my life. I love my family and house and pets and job and friends. I feel challenged, embrace the intensity of my work, and long for only a few pieces of the life that was mine only months ago. I giggle and swear, pray and spend long moments in daydreams. I move about my days with a general contentment.
Except when I don't. Somehow the exhaustion of this trip left me waking from a 13 hour nap feeling lonely. I returned to an empty house and frowned over the quiet even as I was soothed by it. I liked not having to talk to people, but I recognized the absence of a person. He's not coming, I acknowledged silently, looking at my feet as I climbed the stairs this evening. This is it.
And it's not awful, though my current level of self-pity would indicate I believe otherwise. The slow movement of tears from the corner of my eye to the pillowcase beneath my cheek will eventually cease. My throat won't always ache from holding back sobs. I'll be able to breathe without wanting to rub at my chest in a vain attempt to ease the odd pressure there. All will seem brighter tomorrow. My life is really quite good.
But for now, it feels anything but.
11 comments:
{{{{{Katie}}}}} I'm sorry you're so sad. I know that feeling and it sucks. I wish there were something I could do to help. I'm at least sending good wishes your way.
Even though you slept enough to recover physically from your trip, maybe you are still emotionally exhausted? I hope the feeling doesn't last :-)
Thank you, Lucy. Thinking of how sweet and sympathetic you are actually did help.
My sensitivity to sleep loss is pretty severe, Grad007. So you're likely correct. Knowing I'm traveling again Sunday-Tuesday also might have me down. I miss normalcy and solid stretches of sleep.
But I do feel better now that the sun is out. So no worries.
I know the feeling well and have had it for over a month now. And yes things always get better with time (not to mention sleep and sunshine) but that's not always comforting in the middle of it.
Good vibes to you.
Sleep loss seriously effects my moods too. I'm glad you're feeling better now that the sun is up.
I hope you are able to get more sleep on your upcoming trip and come back feeling more refreshed.
I know the feeling of sudden bursts of sadness in the midst of a general state of contentment/happiness. Hopefully things will feel better with time and rest.
I know. And you will. And it is. I know.
Brigindo:
Transitions are hard and knowing it will be better later does offer limited comfort during the sadness. So thank you for the good vibes.
Psych Post Doc:
Sleep is precious to me. This job doesn't seem to value it nearly as much as I do. With the time change, long meetings and drinking afterward, I really struggled. I'm hoping this next trip is less intense.
Citronella:
I am feeling better - not quite great yet, but it's not so painful tonight. It's always frustrating to me that I recognize how lucky and blessed I am, yet can be so utterly unhappy anyway.
PhD Me:
I hate that you know. But I love that you're happy much of the time. It's very comforting for me when I'm feeling buried under self pity.
I hope that you are feeling better. I know that changes in my schedule and lack of sleep are very disruptive to me. I'm keeping you in my thoughts.
(o)
aww, i'm sorry katie... hugs.
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