I think - though I'm quite tired again and don't feel like dealing with The Plan (I think the honeymoon is over) - it's time to change up some of these goals. The idea was that it was more a longterm focus with more immediate goals. So I'm trying to rethink as well as update progress.
1. Health
I've actually gained weight recently. It's probably all the comfort eating I've been doing, but it's bothering me a considerable amount. I noticed that Winnie's violet had flowers this morning. I gasped when I saw them - I've had the plant for months and it has created nary a purple petal for me.
"It needs food, water and light. Not too much or too little of any." Dr. Counselor continues to say when I report on my lack of flowers each week. "You care for it, and it will eventually bloom."
I think the approach needs to hold for me. It's not about losing weight and being attractive to others. It's about taking longer walks and seeking the steeper hills, drinking much more water and much less diet soda (I do love diet Pepsi though...), eating smaller meals more often rather than gorging on dinner after being hungry all day. Doing aerobics on some sort of routine because I really feel good afterward. I think this is important overall - no tiny goals here, just an overall attitude shift.
Well, maybe a couple of tiny goals. The battle won't be won with breakfast - I see that now. I do, however, love Campbell's soups and can easily take a can to work for lunch. I had chicken wonton today and it was fantastic. Given that I normally either eat out with Friend or skip the meal completely, it should help with productivity and health. Then there's walking, water and aerobics. We'll see how it goes.
2. God
Still no Sunday School, sad to say. I do want to join my current church, so I need to start showing up at 8:45 for a new members class. I think it would be good for me.
There also needs to be more time for dedicated prayer. I think doing devotionals before my morning walk would help. I think nightly prayers are also important for me.
3. Professional
I need to figure out what I want here. I think I want to leave next summer. So the focus for me isn't so much on grants and building collaborations as getting some freaking data so I can write papers. So instead of trying to please everyone, I'm trying to stay focused on what I need to do to get out and move on.
Project M - Preparation continues and we're nearly ready. I'm going to start pushing for new patients next week.
"Recruitment is a priority." Dr. Icing said to a colleague while I was in his office. "Katie needs the patients."
"For my emotional well-being." I clarified when he looked confused. "I really want some data."
Dr. Frosting (to go with Dr. Icing) smiled and nodded. "I understand completely."
Project X - We're restructuring our control group to recruit patients with greater ease. This will me more paperwork and planning, but I think it might actually happen too.
Project P - We did an experiment - it's sort of working. We could do more if anyone would push, but it's just not a priority for me right now. If I can get M and X off the ground, I'll reevaluate that.
Projects F - The papers both came out this month - I'm quite pleased. So the other little guys are going to move into a single category. H - Penguin still has it. I will be an author though, so I'll just wait to hear something new. B - Steve has it. He said he could finish it and doesn't need more from me. A - Work with no reward. It's menial and I don't mind, but eh. C - could be called off completely. It's up in the air.
4. Social
I don't know.
I went to dinner with Cousin, et al., tonight. It was funny and exhausting and strange. Little Cousin has a runny nose and coughs a lot. She also wanted to run around the restaurant and touch everything with her sticky little hands. I found myself feeling OK about going home alone to peace and quiet.
Then they decided to take out Little Cousin's carseat and convert it to a booster. Cousin tried and rolled her eyes.
"Jay?" She called. "I'm not strong enough to pull that belt off."
"I can't fit my hand in there." He said after he returned to the car and tugged at something.
They ended up looking at each other over the seat - he on the driver's side, she on the passenger's, both lying across the backseat, trying to release some mechanism. I stood with Little Cousin at the rear of the car while she played in the back of the SUV. There was a single moment where Cousin and Jay were staring at each other, not speaking, both of them working on their respective side of the seat to solve this single problem. And I was struck with how lovely it was. Having a partner. And just for a second, I couldn't breathe past the pain that I may not find that or the intensity of how much I want it.
I don't have a plan for how to get it. I am, however, writing a book about how my past plans have failed to produce it.
5. Family
I've been home recently - it was a priority and I made the trip. I've seen Little Cousin a couple of times in the last week - I do love her and am glad she finally appears to be warming to me. The overall plan is to be closer to my parents and Little One so that I can be a part of their lives. I want that very much too.
6. Service
I think the women's shelter is the way to go. I missed last week - just forgot about it completely - and have a meeting scheduled this week. So I'll get back to it next week.
I'm down tonight. Not tremendously so, but I'm finding I'm not very close to what I want in general. And I don't really have a firm idea on how to get there. But I can do some work in taking care of myself in the meantime - perhaps that will bring some clarity.
Showing posts with label The Plan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Plan. Show all posts
Monday, March 12, 2007
Monday, February 12, 2007
I’m so tired - The Plan: Month 5
I’m incredibly sleepy today. Not even Starbucks could save me from an afternoon nap and though Friend is here for the evening, I fear she’s on her own starting soon. I’m just exhausted. (And since she asked if I was going to update you on our roommate situation, it's still up in the air to some extent. We did talk to Dr. Counselor - perhaps I'll share that story tomorrow - and are to examine our motives and the logistics. I think we're leaning toward her staying in her apartment, but if that becomes financially impossible, we're leaving the option open for her to use my guest rooms. So there's no firm answer.)
Problem 1. Health
I’m still walking in the morning. I did eat yogurt several times per week – that’s coming along relatively well. So let’s be a bit more ambitious.
I plan to drink 4 bottles of water each day. I will feel a bit like a camel (or how I would expect a camel would feel when it gets incredibly hydrated), but it’s good for me.
I plan to do aerobics 3 times each week in the evenings. Monday, Wednesday, Friday. That gives Tuesday and Thursday to make up for missed days.
I need to reschedule the doctor appointment I missed. And make an appointment to see a dentist. My insurance card arrived and though dentists top the list of people I hate/fear, it’s necessary.
Problem 2. God
I’ve been listening to hymns on the commute to work. I pray a bit more. Those are good things.
I want – badly – to start going to Sunday School. I’m struggling to get motivated, but I want to make that happen.
Problem 3. Professional
Work has been good lately. Really quite good.
Project M – I’m so close to getting started! Practice datasets, how to lists, funding. I have a bit more to coordinate, but I should be reporting more progress in month 6 of The Plan!
Project X – Practicing, talking to people, filling out forms. Progress, though I’m not hopeful on issues of recruitment.
Project P – Remains stalled. I’m still supposed to write my talk on this topic, but that keeps getting pushed back, allowing it to remain off my list of things to do.
Project F – Done, done, done, done, done! Papers are in press!
Project H – The penguin is still writing. I’ve approved figures on the work I did and look forward to seeing the manuscript.
Project B – Steve has it and has confirmed I’m not necessary for further progress to be made.
Project A – Right as rain. No problems at all here.
Project C – Not started yet. Soon, Carrie said, so I hope to get through it before M starts taking considerable time.
Problem 4. Social
Sunday School would still be good. Really. I should do that.
Membership for eHarmony finally runs out shortly – I’m relieved.
Finally getting started on collecting data has provided some opportunity to interact with more people – talk and laugh and all that good stuff. So I feel much less isolated.
Problem 5. Family
I’m going home next weekend. I’ve started sending care packages to Little One. I need to invite myself over for dinner at Cousin’s again soon. I very much enjoyed seeing Aunt and Uncle when they were here – that was truly lovely. I need to send a note to Older Cousin – I don’t try hard enough with her.
Problem 6. Selfish
Still am. The tutoring thing just doesn’t work out on Tuesday afternoons, so rather than playing the hit or miss game, I opted out. I think the timing could work better for the homeless GED work I wanted to do, so I’ll touch base with my contacts there and see if I can get that set up before the next update. That feels like a good thing to do.
Conclusion
I do feel stronger at work. Capable and smart. That’s nice. I also like my church and need to just go more. I want to meet a man to love, but I don’t think the right one is going to come along while I’m writing a book based loosely on the last man I knew. So, well, you know. I really want to focus on feeling more physically healthy – eating better, drinking more water, doing more specific exercise than general wandering around with the dog. A healthy Katie should be a happier Katie, yes?
Oh, and Month 6 should include some nice reward or celebration. I’ll have to think on that.
Problem 1. Health
I’m still walking in the morning. I did eat yogurt several times per week – that’s coming along relatively well. So let’s be a bit more ambitious.
I plan to drink 4 bottles of water each day. I will feel a bit like a camel (or how I would expect a camel would feel when it gets incredibly hydrated), but it’s good for me.
I plan to do aerobics 3 times each week in the evenings. Monday, Wednesday, Friday. That gives Tuesday and Thursday to make up for missed days.
I need to reschedule the doctor appointment I missed. And make an appointment to see a dentist. My insurance card arrived and though dentists top the list of people I hate/fear, it’s necessary.
Problem 2. God
I’ve been listening to hymns on the commute to work. I pray a bit more. Those are good things.
I want – badly – to start going to Sunday School. I’m struggling to get motivated, but I want to make that happen.
Problem 3. Professional
Work has been good lately. Really quite good.
Project M – I’m so close to getting started! Practice datasets, how to lists, funding. I have a bit more to coordinate, but I should be reporting more progress in month 6 of The Plan!
Project X – Practicing, talking to people, filling out forms. Progress, though I’m not hopeful on issues of recruitment.
Project P – Remains stalled. I’m still supposed to write my talk on this topic, but that keeps getting pushed back, allowing it to remain off my list of things to do.
Project F – Done, done, done, done, done! Papers are in press!
Project H – The penguin is still writing. I’ve approved figures on the work I did and look forward to seeing the manuscript.
Project B – Steve has it and has confirmed I’m not necessary for further progress to be made.
Project A – Right as rain. No problems at all here.
Project C – Not started yet. Soon, Carrie said, so I hope to get through it before M starts taking considerable time.
Problem 4. Social
Sunday School would still be good. Really. I should do that.
Membership for eHarmony finally runs out shortly – I’m relieved.
Finally getting started on collecting data has provided some opportunity to interact with more people – talk and laugh and all that good stuff. So I feel much less isolated.
Problem 5. Family
I’m going home next weekend. I’ve started sending care packages to Little One. I need to invite myself over for dinner at Cousin’s again soon. I very much enjoyed seeing Aunt and Uncle when they were here – that was truly lovely. I need to send a note to Older Cousin – I don’t try hard enough with her.
Problem 6. Selfish
Still am. The tutoring thing just doesn’t work out on Tuesday afternoons, so rather than playing the hit or miss game, I opted out. I think the timing could work better for the homeless GED work I wanted to do, so I’ll touch base with my contacts there and see if I can get that set up before the next update. That feels like a good thing to do.
Conclusion
I do feel stronger at work. Capable and smart. That’s nice. I also like my church and need to just go more. I want to meet a man to love, but I don’t think the right one is going to come along while I’m writing a book based loosely on the last man I knew. So, well, you know. I really want to focus on feeling more physically healthy – eating better, drinking more water, doing more specific exercise than general wandering around with the dog. A healthy Katie should be a happier Katie, yes?
Oh, and Month 6 should include some nice reward or celebration. I’ll have to think on that.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Trudging along – The Plan: Month 4
First, The Plan would like to introduce a couple of new friends. Lucy and The Contessa have introduced their own versions and I'm eager to see how they go. While I can't say I feel the intense affection I once did for The Plan, I have a certain respect and lingering awareness of it that I do think is helpful. Some of these updates, though, make me wince.
Problem 1. Heath
Nothing. Just the morning walks that are taking off some of that weight I put on at Christmas. I fit in all my new clothes (that are 2 sizes smaller than last year!), but am otherwise not impressed.
Oh, and tonight I shall have caramel pie. Because I need and deserve it.
I am returning to my doctor for a follow-up visit next week, more because I don't want to stop taking Celexa yet than out of any great concern. Dr. Counselor and I continue to make mild progress. The focus that's required to make great strides here just isn't coming to me.
The new goal - in light of my consistent failure here - is yogurt sometime during the day. If I don't want it in the morning, I'll bring it to work. If I don't eat at work, I'll take it home. I will not sleep without eating yogurt at some point in a day. This is my solemn vow. We'll go from there next month.
Problem 2. God
I met with my new pastor this morning and I adore her more than I can adequately express in a Plan update. Expect a full post later. She had some ideas on how I could reconnect with God on a personal level and suggested a Sunday School class for me that starts this Sunday. There aren't Bible Studies right now, but she has some ideas of some to set up.
I'd also like to read and listen to some of the books I've been collecting. I'm not sure why I'm dragging my feet here - it's frustrating.
Problem 3. Professional
The Plan has made great strides here more than elsewhere.
Project M – Funding (all $8K of it) was acquired for the pilot phase! I got an email from Dr. Icing that simply stated "Yahoo!" Which pretty much sums up how I feel about this one.
Project X – No progress. I don't think about it unless forced to do so.
Project P – Stalled again. It's one step forward and two steps back here, which is why I hesitate to devote more time to it. Doing reading and preparing my talk remain on my list of things to do.
Project F – Third revisions are in on the last thesis paper. Proofs are corrected for the other.
Project H – I'm dismayed to find that I've been calling little H Project X, which is not true. Phooey. Regardless, there's a great deal more work to do on this, though I still have to finish up what I did last weekend. I should do that tonight, along with some reading.
Project B – Abstract was submitted and it's off my desk. I don't plan to ask for it back.
Project A – Still going well, actually. It takes a good deal of time, but that's OK. I don't mind boring work to some extent.
Project C - A gift from Carrie, but I expect to do more work with it at some point. For now, it's not on my desk though.
Problem 4: Social
I'll count Sunday School here too because it's not sounding super-appealing for some reason. Which sounds like a job for The Plan! Provide motivation for something I should, yet don't want to, do!
Dave maxed out my social tendencies for a whole month, I think. Friend and I hang out quite a bit, though she might be abandoning me here shortly. Something about requiring a job that pays her. (I'm actually very concerned about this possibility for selfish reasons. I've grown used to having someone who can listen to me whine about my blog and how I rarely go to work for a full day. It will be a profound loss if she leaves, though I can sort of understand the need to pay for wireless internet and a cable modem if not rent and food.)
Oh, and Dawn is starting soon. I should take her to lunch, though it makes my stomach hurt that they replaced Winnie.
Problem 5. Family
Christmas was really good. I enjoyed being there and was semi-ready to come back south. We continue to talk more frequently and I send email nearly every night (when I don't forget). My parents are also arriving next Thursday for my birthday. I'm looking forward to seeing them, though I feel vaguely guilty that they feel obligated to make the trip since there isn't a man in my life ready to shower me with gifts and attention on my birthday. But I wish there was a man in my life to do those things too, actually.
Problem 6. Selfish
I am. It's sad. I can't find time to fit in tutoring, so I canceled it this week. There was also the break for the holidays, so I haven't seen them lately. It's shameful to end on such a note, so I will endeavor to keep those afternoons free of work so I can happily focus on my young friends.
I get a free audio-subscription to the New York Times as part of my new Gold membership plan at Audible (I love audible.) It helps keep me informed of world events, which is depressing but important.
I think the overriding aim at this point is to have more good days than bad. To approach problems from a position of strength rather than fear. This is surprisingly difficult for me right now, but I do think month 5 will bring some progress. Maybe.
Problem 1. Heath
Nothing. Just the morning walks that are taking off some of that weight I put on at Christmas. I fit in all my new clothes (that are 2 sizes smaller than last year!), but am otherwise not impressed.
Oh, and tonight I shall have caramel pie. Because I need and deserve it.
I am returning to my doctor for a follow-up visit next week, more because I don't want to stop taking Celexa yet than out of any great concern. Dr. Counselor and I continue to make mild progress. The focus that's required to make great strides here just isn't coming to me.
The new goal - in light of my consistent failure here - is yogurt sometime during the day. If I don't want it in the morning, I'll bring it to work. If I don't eat at work, I'll take it home. I will not sleep without eating yogurt at some point in a day. This is my solemn vow. We'll go from there next month.
Problem 2. God
I met with my new pastor this morning and I adore her more than I can adequately express in a Plan update. Expect a full post later. She had some ideas on how I could reconnect with God on a personal level and suggested a Sunday School class for me that starts this Sunday. There aren't Bible Studies right now, but she has some ideas of some to set up.
I'd also like to read and listen to some of the books I've been collecting. I'm not sure why I'm dragging my feet here - it's frustrating.
Problem 3. Professional
The Plan has made great strides here more than elsewhere.
Project M – Funding (all $8K of it) was acquired for the pilot phase! I got an email from Dr. Icing that simply stated "Yahoo!" Which pretty much sums up how I feel about this one.
Project X – No progress. I don't think about it unless forced to do so.
Project P – Stalled again. It's one step forward and two steps back here, which is why I hesitate to devote more time to it. Doing reading and preparing my talk remain on my list of things to do.
Project F – Third revisions are in on the last thesis paper. Proofs are corrected for the other.
Project H – I'm dismayed to find that I've been calling little H Project X, which is not true. Phooey. Regardless, there's a great deal more work to do on this, though I still have to finish up what I did last weekend. I should do that tonight, along with some reading.
Project B – Abstract was submitted and it's off my desk. I don't plan to ask for it back.
Project A – Still going well, actually. It takes a good deal of time, but that's OK. I don't mind boring work to some extent.
Project C - A gift from Carrie, but I expect to do more work with it at some point. For now, it's not on my desk though.
Problem 4: Social
I'll count Sunday School here too because it's not sounding super-appealing for some reason. Which sounds like a job for The Plan! Provide motivation for something I should, yet don't want to, do!
Dave maxed out my social tendencies for a whole month, I think. Friend and I hang out quite a bit, though she might be abandoning me here shortly. Something about requiring a job that pays her. (I'm actually very concerned about this possibility for selfish reasons. I've grown used to having someone who can listen to me whine about my blog and how I rarely go to work for a full day. It will be a profound loss if she leaves, though I can sort of understand the need to pay for wireless internet and a cable modem if not rent and food.)
Oh, and Dawn is starting soon. I should take her to lunch, though it makes my stomach hurt that they replaced Winnie.
Problem 5. Family
Christmas was really good. I enjoyed being there and was semi-ready to come back south. We continue to talk more frequently and I send email nearly every night (when I don't forget). My parents are also arriving next Thursday for my birthday. I'm looking forward to seeing them, though I feel vaguely guilty that they feel obligated to make the trip since there isn't a man in my life ready to shower me with gifts and attention on my birthday. But I wish there was a man in my life to do those things too, actually.
Problem 6. Selfish
I am. It's sad. I can't find time to fit in tutoring, so I canceled it this week. There was also the break for the holidays, so I haven't seen them lately. It's shameful to end on such a note, so I will endeavor to keep those afternoons free of work so I can happily focus on my young friends.
I get a free audio-subscription to the New York Times as part of my new Gold membership plan at Audible (I love audible.) It helps keep me informed of world events, which is depressing but important.
I think the overriding aim at this point is to have more good days than bad. To approach problems from a position of strength rather than fear. This is surprisingly difficult for me right now, but I do think month 5 will bring some progress. Maybe.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Third time's the charm - The Plan: Month 3
Problem 1: Location
Curses, foiled again, phooey, etc. Part 1 of this solution was to leave within 1 year. (Abandoned in month 2). Part 2 was to decide against rewriting the grant. Abandoned in month 3. So… I think we’re down to 6 problems because this one is an unsolvable. At least in its current incarnation. I’m dropping it from the list.
Problem 2: Health
Huh. I need to reorder my problems so I get off to a more promising start on these updates. I ate vegetables. (A few times. I can’t really remember, but I’m sure it happened.) I still take morning walks, though I missed more days this past month than any other. I did aerobics. (Twice. Over the whole month.) I even ate yogurt! (Five times? Maybe 6?)
So! Similar goals! Yogurt in the morning – I do well on days that happens and I rather like the Yoplait Whips. Exercise three times a week in the evenings – whether at home or at the gym.
The trick is actually doing it this month. Perhaps the idea that Health is being promoted to Problem 1 next month will motivate me a bit.
On the positive side, the therapy has begun. The terror of talking to someone about my problems has eased and I now look forward to my Monday sessions. The more I speak to him, the more I get the feeling that Dr. Counselor isn’t so bad at his job. Plus, totally free therapy is nice. And I do continue to take Celexa faithfully. I believe that I shall someday get better.
Problem 3: God
Oh, yay! A good one! I only had to attend a single of my two prospective churches before happily settling in. I’m meeting Pastor for coffee next week and wake up on Sunday morning (save this past one – I didn’t feel well) eager to attend worship services.
The plan from here? Attend regularly, consider becoming a member, seriously consider joining a Bible study.
Problem 4: Professional
Deep breath. Push away the negative, seek and embrace the positive…
Project M – I’m currently making the required revisions on the funding application, I’m in close contact with the collaborators (all of whom I adore), and once we have money, we hit the ground running. I’m excited about this. I know! It’s shocking that work should make me smile! But this could be my pet project.
Project X – I have the forms completed, but still need to finalize protocol and do a trial run. No recruitment yet, and I don’t have high hopes. This is a rather crushing disappointment as I don’t see the patient population showing up.
Project P – I’ve decided to focus my department seminar on this project and have an extensive list of recent papers to read and summarize. We deal with patient data in the next couple of weeks and I’m concerned but not panicked. I think we can pull something off. I hope.
Project F – Second revisions are in on the last thesis paper. I actually think they’ll get past reviewers and into a good journal. (Please, God, let that be true.) No news on Project H – not sure how often I can ask about the progress. People should let me know so I don’t have to pester them!
Project B – Slow. The methodology keeps changing and I can’t get a firm answer on where to go next. Developing my own plan would require more work than I’m willing to do, so it’s just on the list, languishing away.
Project A – I still haven’t screwed it up! I’ve made a good impression on a tough MD, contacts in industry that might help me out someday and actually like having something that I haven’t made all icky and have to fix.
Wow – that was pretty good! Yay for me!
Problem 5: Social
In an attempt to multi-task, I’ll say that joining a Bible study could be counted as social. I’m not sure I’ll get that done with the holidays approaching, but let’s call it part of The Plan.
I think I’m on the verge of having actual dates with eHarmony boys, though I could be wrong (and part of me hopes I am). I’m not sure I’m ready or open to anything, but I kind of miss dating. Being pretty and nervous, then coming home to giggle and remember how men aren’t always that great after all. Plus, bad dates are good blog material. And good dates? It’s been a long time since I’ve been kissed, folks. It’d be nice if that happened again.
Problem 6: Family
Thanksgiving was exquisite. I loved being home and miss Little One terribly. I wish I lived closer.
I was talking to Mom on Sunday – she’s going to bake cookies this weekend. After spending Saturday helping Cousin, I want desperately to be in that kitchen where I grew up, giggling over misshapen products and worrying over the timing of when batches come out of the oven. It’s just too difficult and long a trip. But I do miss them. They miss me. It’s sad, but it’s also OK.
We talk on the phone. We send email. I get to see Cousin and her family, which is important to me. As Little One grows up, I think she’ll come visit. I wish I were farther north. I don’t see how that’s possible right now. So I’ll make the best of what I do have. For right now.
Problem 7: Selfish
Meeting 3 was today with my tutoring group. They’re actually too bright for me. The games we play – apart from the difficult Find that Number – are far too simple for them. There’s talk of switching students, though I hate to see any of them go, or I’ll come up with something more challenging for them.
I’m listening to the Iraq Study Group Report (free to audible.com subscribers!) on my commutes and am very worried about what I’m learning. Being a responsible citizen – to me – requires knowledge, then some sort of action. I’m working on the knowledge right now, though it’s scary for me to care about much.
I think The Plan and I are learning about each other, and though we don't like everything we discover, we're making a good faith effort to stay together. Plus, I really do think about having to post these updates and it provides some much-needed motivation. So I guess I still love The Plan very much.
Curses, foiled again, phooey, etc. Part 1 of this solution was to leave within 1 year. (Abandoned in month 2). Part 2 was to decide against rewriting the grant. Abandoned in month 3. So… I think we’re down to 6 problems because this one is an unsolvable. At least in its current incarnation. I’m dropping it from the list.
Problem 2: Health
Huh. I need to reorder my problems so I get off to a more promising start on these updates. I ate vegetables. (A few times. I can’t really remember, but I’m sure it happened.) I still take morning walks, though I missed more days this past month than any other. I did aerobics. (Twice. Over the whole month.) I even ate yogurt! (Five times? Maybe 6?)
So! Similar goals! Yogurt in the morning – I do well on days that happens and I rather like the Yoplait Whips. Exercise three times a week in the evenings – whether at home or at the gym.
The trick is actually doing it this month. Perhaps the idea that Health is being promoted to Problem 1 next month will motivate me a bit.
On the positive side, the therapy has begun. The terror of talking to someone about my problems has eased and I now look forward to my Monday sessions. The more I speak to him, the more I get the feeling that Dr. Counselor isn’t so bad at his job. Plus, totally free therapy is nice. And I do continue to take Celexa faithfully. I believe that I shall someday get better.
Problem 3: God
Oh, yay! A good one! I only had to attend a single of my two prospective churches before happily settling in. I’m meeting Pastor for coffee next week and wake up on Sunday morning (save this past one – I didn’t feel well) eager to attend worship services.
The plan from here? Attend regularly, consider becoming a member, seriously consider joining a Bible study.
Problem 4: Professional
Deep breath. Push away the negative, seek and embrace the positive…
Project M – I’m currently making the required revisions on the funding application, I’m in close contact with the collaborators (all of whom I adore), and once we have money, we hit the ground running. I’m excited about this. I know! It’s shocking that work should make me smile! But this could be my pet project.
Project X – I have the forms completed, but still need to finalize protocol and do a trial run. No recruitment yet, and I don’t have high hopes. This is a rather crushing disappointment as I don’t see the patient population showing up.
Project P – I’ve decided to focus my department seminar on this project and have an extensive list of recent papers to read and summarize. We deal with patient data in the next couple of weeks and I’m concerned but not panicked. I think we can pull something off. I hope.
Project F – Second revisions are in on the last thesis paper. I actually think they’ll get past reviewers and into a good journal. (Please, God, let that be true.) No news on Project H – not sure how often I can ask about the progress. People should let me know so I don’t have to pester them!
Project B – Slow. The methodology keeps changing and I can’t get a firm answer on where to go next. Developing my own plan would require more work than I’m willing to do, so it’s just on the list, languishing away.
Project A – I still haven’t screwed it up! I’ve made a good impression on a tough MD, contacts in industry that might help me out someday and actually like having something that I haven’t made all icky and have to fix.
Wow – that was pretty good! Yay for me!
Problem 5: Social
In an attempt to multi-task, I’ll say that joining a Bible study could be counted as social. I’m not sure I’ll get that done with the holidays approaching, but let’s call it part of The Plan.
I think I’m on the verge of having actual dates with eHarmony boys, though I could be wrong (and part of me hopes I am). I’m not sure I’m ready or open to anything, but I kind of miss dating. Being pretty and nervous, then coming home to giggle and remember how men aren’t always that great after all. Plus, bad dates are good blog material. And good dates? It’s been a long time since I’ve been kissed, folks. It’d be nice if that happened again.
Problem 6: Family
Thanksgiving was exquisite. I loved being home and miss Little One terribly. I wish I lived closer.
I was talking to Mom on Sunday – she’s going to bake cookies this weekend. After spending Saturday helping Cousin, I want desperately to be in that kitchen where I grew up, giggling over misshapen products and worrying over the timing of when batches come out of the oven. It’s just too difficult and long a trip. But I do miss them. They miss me. It’s sad, but it’s also OK.
We talk on the phone. We send email. I get to see Cousin and her family, which is important to me. As Little One grows up, I think she’ll come visit. I wish I were farther north. I don’t see how that’s possible right now. So I’ll make the best of what I do have. For right now.
Problem 7: Selfish
Meeting 3 was today with my tutoring group. They’re actually too bright for me. The games we play – apart from the difficult Find that Number – are far too simple for them. There’s talk of switching students, though I hate to see any of them go, or I’ll come up with something more challenging for them.
I’m listening to the Iraq Study Group Report (free to audible.com subscribers!) on my commutes and am very worried about what I’m learning. Being a responsible citizen – to me – requires knowledge, then some sort of action. I’m working on the knowledge right now, though it’s scary for me to care about much.
I think The Plan and I are learning about each other, and though we don't like everything we discover, we're making a good faith effort to stay together. Plus, I really do think about having to post these updates and it provides some much-needed motivation. So I guess I still love The Plan very much.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Crap. Already? - The Plan: Month 2
This is going to suck. But I keep dreading it, so I’m going to write it out, wince, then go find some lunch.
Problem 1: Location
“How many years are on the training grant?” I asked after learning Rick was being paid from it for another year.
Boss held up three fingers. That means that I have a confirmed job – being paid well and working with wonderful people – until August of 2008. So I’ll likely stay. Because I haven’t accomplished much of anything and doing a lot of work and writing in a little under 2 years sounds a lot better than sending out my CV in 6 months.
Yes, I’d still like to be closer to my family. No, I’m not really happy here. It’s still a problem. But the solution is different than I originally proposed.
It remains a finite problem. I’ve added a year to the duration of problem 1, but I think it’s worthwhile. Maybe. I don’t believe in being miserable in the present to promote future happiness (I said I didn’t believe in it, not that I don’t do it.) so the new goal is to figure out what my optimum plan would be – leaving research, embracing academia, figuring something else out – and try to be happy in my Southern location in the meantime.
Problem 2: Health
Additional exercise? Not a single time. Food? Mostly eating out, interspersed with cheesy potatoes, crab dip and brownies made at home. Oh, then there’s Twix and Kit Kats debacle at Halloween. I’m having trouble finding the motivation to walk the dog in the morning, though I have clung to that particular routine like one of those little sand burs that gets stuck in your sock and pricks your finger when you try to remove it.
This month? Baby steps. Incremental additional exercise – evening sessions twice a week for the first week, then increasing until I can manage 4 times a week. I have the time. I can develop healthier habits. It’s just a matter of creating the guilt that pushes me into a routine.
As far as eating goes, I think my only demand is that I finish a cup of yogurt in the morning. My beginning might define my end, so if I start well in the morning, I won’t be so rabidly starving at lunch. Plus, that’s feasible – no “Month 3: Thwarted Again” for this one. I can eat yogurt.
Additionally, I have made an appointment with Dr. Counselor, so my foot is poised to take an additional small step toward mental health. I think this is quite important.
Problem 3: God
It’s so easy for me to make spiritual devotion a passing phase. Which is painfully, shamefully wrong of me. I haven’t been to church this month – the whole “how to find a new place of worship” is a major stumbling block for me. But I love church at the holidays – it’s so busy and outwardly focused and decorated. So I just picked two in a town near where I live and will call to find out worship times. I’ll attend both before month 3’s report.
I read The Great Divorce. Listened to The Screwtape Letters. Loved them both. So I’m learning, but I’m not really applying. I’ve skipped many more morning devotionals than not.
Mornings should involve yogurt, walk and devotional. Got it. I’ll pray about the rest of it because it’s a shame to make some lovely realization, then ignore it.
This really does suck so far, doesn’t it?
Problem 4: Professional
And it’s not going to get any better here.
Project M – the grant application is mostly written. Boss is reading it, then I’ll finish and email Dr. Icing tomorrow.
Project X – Recruitment began, though we have nobody enrolled yet. Which is good since I need to finalize the protocol, write up some forms and do an trial run.
Project P – Progress! Multiple scans, a bit of reading. I need to send email and consult my handy to-do list at work for what comes next.
Project H – Offically abandoned. I’ll ask about what I’ve done already, but I’m done looking for something that might not be there, and isn’t compelling even if it does exist. The data are backed up and off my laptop. And this is coming off the list.
Project F – So Project H will move to this area, for Finish – the heading for research that won’t just get published already. One paper is with the editor after re-review. The other is unknown – I’m too scared to send email. The project formerly known as H remains with the major authors.
Project B – Moving along, though slowly and with much backtracking. I have hopes we’ll get through it relatively soon though. Next step involves working with the friendly grad student in my new office, so that’s good. I like him.
And introducing... Project A – Good learning experience, relatively easy and straightforward at this stage. It’s on my list and I haven’t even screwed it up. Yet.
Moving my desk was good. And it’s a work of art with the exquisite organization I have performed. So that’s something positive!
Problem 5: Social
If it involved anyone other than Friend, I haven’t done it. And I basically wait for her to ask me to do something. So let’s mark this one ‘utter failure and don’t really care’ and move on.
This deserves its own post – and I have one in mind – but the goals are already being unmet like crazy, so I hesitate to add another one here right now. I’ll think about it though.
Problem 6: Family
I didn’t make the trip home this month which was disappointing and upsetting. But I did talk to Mom, Dad, Brother and Aunt yesterday while Christmas shopping, so that was lovely. I miss them and love them very, very much. I’ll see them at Thanksgiving (for an extended trip home) and again at Christmas. I think about them a lot.
Family’s constant though, so I’m leaving them off the list of things to do for month 3 as well.
[Upon editing, I have noticed that I've neglected to deal with social or family issues, which would likely make me happier in the present. I don't know what I'm going to do about it, but I did notice. Just FYI.]
Problem 7: Selfish
OK, so I missed this deadline, but I am all set up. I start with four new boys (pardon me while I pout over the loss of my former group because “scheduling was too difficult”) on Tuesday afternoon. I’m sure I’ll let you know how it goes.
I’d say that my progress was pitiful, but that’s pretty obvious. I’ve made very moderate demands of myself for next month though, so hopefully I can write a lovely update in December and figure out where to get more aggressive with The Plan.
I believe this is where The Plan and I aren’t even sure we like each other anymore, but we’ll stay together because it’s easier than finding someone new…
Problem 1: Location
“How many years are on the training grant?” I asked after learning Rick was being paid from it for another year.
Boss held up three fingers. That means that I have a confirmed job – being paid well and working with wonderful people – until August of 2008. So I’ll likely stay. Because I haven’t accomplished much of anything and doing a lot of work and writing in a little under 2 years sounds a lot better than sending out my CV in 6 months.
Yes, I’d still like to be closer to my family. No, I’m not really happy here. It’s still a problem. But the solution is different than I originally proposed.
It remains a finite problem. I’ve added a year to the duration of problem 1, but I think it’s worthwhile. Maybe. I don’t believe in being miserable in the present to promote future happiness (I said I didn’t believe in it, not that I don’t do it.) so the new goal is to figure out what my optimum plan would be – leaving research, embracing academia, figuring something else out – and try to be happy in my Southern location in the meantime.
Problem 2: Health
Additional exercise? Not a single time. Food? Mostly eating out, interspersed with cheesy potatoes, crab dip and brownies made at home. Oh, then there’s Twix and Kit Kats debacle at Halloween. I’m having trouble finding the motivation to walk the dog in the morning, though I have clung to that particular routine like one of those little sand burs that gets stuck in your sock and pricks your finger when you try to remove it.
This month? Baby steps. Incremental additional exercise – evening sessions twice a week for the first week, then increasing until I can manage 4 times a week. I have the time. I can develop healthier habits. It’s just a matter of creating the guilt that pushes me into a routine.
As far as eating goes, I think my only demand is that I finish a cup of yogurt in the morning. My beginning might define my end, so if I start well in the morning, I won’t be so rabidly starving at lunch. Plus, that’s feasible – no “Month 3: Thwarted Again” for this one. I can eat yogurt.
Additionally, I have made an appointment with Dr. Counselor, so my foot is poised to take an additional small step toward mental health. I think this is quite important.
Problem 3: God
It’s so easy for me to make spiritual devotion a passing phase. Which is painfully, shamefully wrong of me. I haven’t been to church this month – the whole “how to find a new place of worship” is a major stumbling block for me. But I love church at the holidays – it’s so busy and outwardly focused and decorated. So I just picked two in a town near where I live and will call to find out worship times. I’ll attend both before month 3’s report.
I read The Great Divorce. Listened to The Screwtape Letters. Loved them both. So I’m learning, but I’m not really applying. I’ve skipped many more morning devotionals than not.
Mornings should involve yogurt, walk and devotional. Got it. I’ll pray about the rest of it because it’s a shame to make some lovely realization, then ignore it.
This really does suck so far, doesn’t it?
Problem 4: Professional
And it’s not going to get any better here.
Project M – the grant application is mostly written. Boss is reading it, then I’ll finish and email Dr. Icing tomorrow.
Project X – Recruitment began, though we have nobody enrolled yet. Which is good since I need to finalize the protocol, write up some forms and do an trial run.
Project P – Progress! Multiple scans, a bit of reading. I need to send email and consult my handy to-do list at work for what comes next.
Project H – Offically abandoned. I’ll ask about what I’ve done already, but I’m done looking for something that might not be there, and isn’t compelling even if it does exist. The data are backed up and off my laptop. And this is coming off the list.
Project F – So Project H will move to this area, for Finish – the heading for research that won’t just get published already. One paper is with the editor after re-review. The other is unknown – I’m too scared to send email. The project formerly known as H remains with the major authors.
Project B – Moving along, though slowly and with much backtracking. I have hopes we’ll get through it relatively soon though. Next step involves working with the friendly grad student in my new office, so that’s good. I like him.
And introducing... Project A – Good learning experience, relatively easy and straightforward at this stage. It’s on my list and I haven’t even screwed it up. Yet.
Moving my desk was good. And it’s a work of art with the exquisite organization I have performed. So that’s something positive!
Problem 5: Social
If it involved anyone other than Friend, I haven’t done it. And I basically wait for her to ask me to do something. So let’s mark this one ‘utter failure and don’t really care’ and move on.
This deserves its own post – and I have one in mind – but the goals are already being unmet like crazy, so I hesitate to add another one here right now. I’ll think about it though.
Problem 6: Family
I didn’t make the trip home this month which was disappointing and upsetting. But I did talk to Mom, Dad, Brother and Aunt yesterday while Christmas shopping, so that was lovely. I miss them and love them very, very much. I’ll see them at Thanksgiving (for an extended trip home) and again at Christmas. I think about them a lot.
Family’s constant though, so I’m leaving them off the list of things to do for month 3 as well.
[Upon editing, I have noticed that I've neglected to deal with social or family issues, which would likely make me happier in the present. I don't know what I'm going to do about it, but I did notice. Just FYI.]
Problem 7: Selfish
OK, so I missed this deadline, but I am all set up. I start with four new boys (pardon me while I pout over the loss of my former group because “scheduling was too difficult”) on Tuesday afternoon. I’m sure I’ll let you know how it goes.
I’d say that my progress was pitiful, but that’s pretty obvious. I’ve made very moderate demands of myself for next month though, so hopefully I can write a lovely update in December and figure out where to get more aggressive with The Plan.
I believe this is where The Plan and I aren’t even sure we like each other anymore, but we’ll stay together because it’s easier than finding someone new…
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