Thursday, August 04, 2011


I'm uncharacteristically passive of late. Would rather listen than speak. Learn instead of teach. Wait in favor of acting.

So I type posts and comments but delete without publishing. Nothing is right - some words come close, but the pages fail to communicate anything of value or interest. So I read books or play games or take naps.

This is not to say I'm unwell. I work. I sleep and eat and walk with my pretty dog. And she's adjusting very well with just a couple of blips to adjust medications. We've extended our walks to normal length but they've increased dramatically in duration. Instead of our brisk wanderings, each of us lost in our own thoughts, we now move with a shorter tether. I remind myself to watch carefully - alert her with a gentle 'careful' to oncoming bushes or fences or landscaping. She mostly heeds the gentle tugs to her leash and I smile as she trots along with her ears perked and tail up. It's progress.

But when I begin to relax, to ease into daydreams or plan professional activities, she'll gasp, startled when she stumbles. Or wince when her snout bounces off a mailbox. And I remind myself that it's different now. That I must focus on the moment and answer the question before me and grasp for patience I do not typically possess.

It leaves me unsettled and exhausted. So when work offers a challenge, I tend to sigh rather than pounce. I don't care as much as I should - having this sense that it's all so fleeting and trivial.

So I've increased my dose of trusty SSRIs. And force myself to follow a proper schedule with adequate productivity. While hoping that while the blindness is permanent for Chienne, this mood will soon pass for me.

1 comment:

rented life said...

I've been thinking of you and her lately. Hugs.

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