Sunday, July 10, 2011

Instant Gratification & Consistent Instability

I like to think I'm occasionally interesting - that something happens or I stumble across some cute story that I'd like to read again sometime. And I do read my archives - wincing at times, giggling at others (I do find myself funny) - and find myself quietly appreciative of past Katie writing out feelings and happenings and the like.

Post-iPad2, I've escaped into entertainment. Books and games, people. Books and games. God bless immediately delivery via the Kindle app. And Big Fish games with your mindless hidden objects and mini-game puzzles. I've read upwards of 10 romances and conquered Everest, explored the Amazon, rescued a kidnapped child from puppet makers, helped some guy escape a haunted house of mirrors. I met a couple of princess, helping them both defeat evil sisters to remove curses from kingdoms.

In short, I've spent a bunch of hours flopped on my couch downstairs or curled up on my loveseat on the main floor and sprawled across my bed upstairs. Playing games. And sleeping too much.

It takes no great insight to realize that my life is not great right now. I believe I'm mildly depressed (I've upped my medication 20 mg so no worries). But, I decided as I wandered through WalMart yesterday, part of it is situational.

Chienne is deteriorating, running into walls and spending a lot of time on her comforter in the bathtub. She sparked the only productivity this weekend - I cleaned and decluttered, widening walkways and installing nonvisual cues throughout the house. I hung sheers from a tension rod at the top of the steps, spritzing the hem with Fresh Rain so Chienne would know she needed to feel for the top step when she felt the scented fabric against her nose. I cleaned the basement - a de facto apology to Sir Sprout since he's going to have to wear a bell. (As soon as I can catch him.) I put new recycled-rubber (distinctive smell and texture!) on both sides of her dog door so she could find her way in and out. I sprayed Garden Rose on the base of each dog door. I need to hang a windchime near the dog door to add sound cues. And a fountain so her water bowl will gurgle helpfully so she can find her food.

She's not blind yet - I'm not sure how long we'll have - but the preparation comforts me even as I escape into castles and jungles to avoid thinking about it.

John's dismissal hurt more than I expected. Not sharply - I don't think it had a lot to do with him, specifically - but in that general 'definitely dying alone' sort of way. "This is unpleasant," I decided aloud when looking at other dating candidates. Which is an excellent time to take a break. I immediately felt better when deciding not to date anymore.

Until, that is, a man from the past got in touch and asked if I wanted to get together for sex this weekend.

"Sure," I decided pretty quickly. I mean, it cuts into my game playing obsession, but what the hell, right? He canceled/postponed (time will tell), leaving me with clean bedding and time to explore the Imperial Majestic to assemble some dragon wheel. (Except I got near the end and there was a bug in the code! I couldn't make the turtle pattern on the urn to get the ying yang! Totally sent angry email.)

(Also laughing at myself. Because, yes. I know. Not great.)

In an odd shift of topic that seems to fit my life, I'm meeting with Pastor after church to discuss becoming a member. The juxtoposition of that against the canceled weekend o' sin would have been a bit more jarring so perhaps it all worked out.

Work is tres 'one step forward, one step back' of late. Difficult projects that I like - they're distracting enough - but that tend to be ill-defined and therefore fail to meet some ephemeral expectation from my bosses.

From which I retreat - all the degeneration or lack of progress or effort wasted - and feel content when I curl into pillows that smell of Cheer or search for another game. I may just explore New York City on my iPad in advance of the 7 hours I'll spend on the ground later this week. I'll try to take a photo and invent some interesting story afterward.

1 comment:

rpg said...

"Difficult projects that I like - they're distracting enough - but that tend to be ill-defined and therefore fail to meet some ephemeral expectation from my bosses. "

Ha! You are me, &c.

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