At Last

There is something about trotting along behind my lawnmower that makes me (more) introspective (than usual). I awakened today from a Valium-induced sleep (love it - wish I had more than 30 days of it) and felt like myself. The cloud of sadness - irritability, sluggishness, indifference - seems to have dissipated.

I feel good again.

It's somewhat surprising, I decided, pushing down on the level that controls the blade and pulling up on the one that moves the mower forward. I make odd patterns as I clip the grass and weeds, following the rock wall toward the house and the odd shape of the lot against the sidewalk. It doesn't take all that long - an easy hour for the entire quarter acre - and left me time to consider what I wanted to do for an upcoming presentation. I smiled, feeling reassured that my productivity was snapping back - I cared about my job again, past the odd sense of guilt that I was barely keeping up because it all seemed terribly hard.

I woke up and did not want to stay home, curled into a corner of my darkened basement and staring at television. Instead, I walked the dog, put in her eye drops and threw some treats on the floor before telling her to be good.

I returned about 10 hours later to gleeful greetings when I interrupted her puppy-dog nap in her freshly-mowed lawn. I has answered questions and attended meetings. I filled out forms and signed documents. I grinned at colleagues and happily motioned them through my open door to catch up.

I am happy. Thanks to a fairly high dose of a different anti-depressant and some time to come out of it (and the grace of God), I feel like myself again. Finally.

I'm off to travel again tomorrow and my mommy arrives to puppy-sit tonight.